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Dear Dr. Claire
 
My twins are one year old. One of the boys has become very frustrated when he does not get what he wants. For example, close the fridge, he cries; close the bathroom door, he cries; stop him from pulling something down on his brother, he cries. I understand this can be typical for this age, since they can not verbalize what they want. I have tried to divert his attention. This works sometimes. Are there any other tactics? How do you say no to a one year old?

Signed, Curious Mom

Dear Curious Mom,

Good for you for tuning into an area of rapid emotional development in your child. Your question is a great one, as it is an example of how your guy is learning to self-sooth, with your help, when something happens that he doesn’t like.  He is learning that he can make things happen, like open the fridge, open the door, and pull things down.  Imagine the sheer delight and power in discovering that one can make something happen, that initial “Wow, look what I did!”  Then someone comes along and says “No. Don’t do that.”  Ouch!  But a one year old needs those No’s to learn about safety.  So keep saying them!  The best you can do is help him calm down when he gets upset and acknowledge that you know he wanted to do whatever the forbidden thing is.  And make sure he is getting plenty of Yes (Not Good Job) for the safe things he is doing in quest for cause and effect.  This might look like, “You roled the ball!” or “Look at that stack of blocks you made!” 

Dear Dr. Claire
 
My 3.5 year old was potty trained at 3.  After a 3 week trip this summer he decided that he does not want to poop on the potty.  In the past couple of weeks he has also started to have pee accidents.  I am not a scolder but I do remind him that poop and pee go in the potty and he doesn’t even hear me, he literally makes a baby talk like noise as if he’s going “blah, blah blah” until I’m finished. When we are home I let him run around naked and he does both in the potty.  If we are home and he is in clothes he will pee but not poop in the potty.  When we are out he definitely won’t poop in the potty but may pee in the potty, but only if he is reminded to do so.  I am frustrated beyond belief because I don’t know what to do.  He doesn’t care about bribes.  He doesn’t care about sticker charts. He just doesn’t want to do it anymore…he actually said me when I remind him that his poop goes in the potty “Oh, mom, I did that already.” I know he won’t go to kindergarten untrained, but that doesn’t really comfort me right now.  He’s not a kid that had problems with constipation.  He just seems to want to control this and I’m not sure why now when he didn’t before.  Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.
 
Signed, Frustrated Mom

Dear Frustrated Mom,

It is so frustrating to watch our children hit a major milestone (at least in our eyes!) and then regress.  To have none of the standard solutions work can bring up all kinds of feelings of frustration, anger, and helplessness.  I think that when this kind of situation arises, it can trigger the overwhelming feelings we had when they were infants and they were learning how to work their bodily functions like eating and sleeping.  Yikes! No wonder it is so intense. 

You are right, nothing you do is going to “work” other than try to support him by doing the things you are already doing so that he can work it out on his own.  It is really important not to turn this into a power struggle.  He is very aware of what is going on and is demonstrating to you the regression with the baby talk.  Often young children can feel that as their world expands, their capacity to control what happens to them diminishes.  Then they regress, which can come in many forms, as an attempt to exert control their world.  Another example would be a child that holds it together all day at pre-school or kindergarten then turns into a whiny, temper tantrum when they get home with the safety of mom.  If you are really curious about why now, I’d consider any transitions or changes that are occurring in his life. They may seem minor to you, but may be big for him!  Another idea to consider is that perhaps the novelty of being a big boy has worn off and he wants to retreat to a time that was simpler, where he had less responsibility. Don’t we all want to do this sometimes!  What you can do is continue with the gentle reminders, elicit his help in the cleanup and give it some time.

Dear Dr. Claire

I have a couple of questions about our 15 month old twins. 1) Do you have any tried and true methods on to get them to share or at least start to? 2) One of my boys loves balls and loves to play catch and throw balls.  However, when he plays with other toys like trucks he throws them too!  We try to show him but do you have any suggestions on how to teach the difference?

Signed, How to teach?

Dear How to teach,

I so appreciate your questions because they are good examples of how our ideas can conflict with what is developmentally appropriate for our children. As mothers we want the best for them and want them to learn how to function well with their peers.  However, when we feel helpless, overwhelmed, or anxious, whether we are dealing with sleeping issues, eating concerns, sharing, toilet training or other development issues, OUR discomfort can propel us to find a solution to a “problem” that may be something we just have to trust will unfold as our children’s “wiring” matures.  I say this with the caveat that yes, there are of course times to be really concerned which should be discussed with a pediatrician or developmental specialist.  But back to your questions; first I want to say, no worries.  Cognitive development is a loooonnnngg process.  Neuropathways for appropriate behavior take a long time to lay down tracks in a child’s brain. A 4-1/2 year old should understand the concept of sharing, but not a 15 month old. A LOT needs to happen cognitively to lay the ground work for this.  A 15 month old is still very much in the stage of discovering what they can do: grab things, throw trucks, make things happen, to their sheer delight!  We can guide them towards taking turns, but it may be 10,000 times before they get it and can begin to control their impulses, especially with a sibling.  The concept of sharing is a much higher order cognitive development.  So at this point I would encourage you to intervene when one grabs from the other and say something like “It’s John’s turn with the truck, let’s find something else for you” and redirect. Yes, you will probably get some tears, but your job is to be as present with their feelings as you can and help them learn to calm themselves.  With a 15 month old, one of the most important emotional developments is to learn is self-soothing and this is going to take a few years!  Sharing will come, I promise! 

It is the same thing with the truck; over and over again, remind him that we throw balls, not trucks.  Repetition helps lay those pathways down!  

Dear Dr. Claire

I am a recent single mom of a two year old (well almost!) boy.  I am unsure how to handle his behavior when he returns from seeing his dad.  He is really attached to me but when he comes home he is more physical, throwing things and hitting me.  He is crying more, getting upset easily, and saying NO to everything (more then normal).  This is a tough situation for us all.  My fear is I’ll turn into a passive parent out of guilt.  I don’t want to be insensitive to the changes he is going through, but some of his behavior is unacceptable.  Do I maintain my rules or relax them a bit? Signed Stressed Out Mom

Dear Stressed Out

What difficult situation for all of you.  Separations like this are hard on everyone.  Your son is probably overwhelmed by the feelings he is experiencing as you move through trying to develop a new routine which includes being separated from mommy, the center of his universe.  These are exactly the kinds of behaviors I would expect given the situation, and the best thing we can do as parents is try to help our children cope by being loving and supportive, even when they are behaving in ways we disapprove of.  Are you being a softie? Not at all.  Biting and hitting are a common way that very young children release the tension of overwhelming feelings.  Remember that a two year old does not have a sense of time in the same way we adults to, so to him being separated from you overnight would be like us being separated from our children with no idea of when we are going to see them again.  We would be frantic, distressed, and very angry at the person whom had separated us when we were reunited.  All these behaviors are his way of telling you how he feels about the separation from you and between you and your husband. My sense is that the less stressed you and your husband are, the easier it will be for him.  If possible, you might want to postpone the overnight separation until he is a little older. Developmentally he is in the thick of separation anxiety.  Best wishes to you in this difficult time. 

Dear Dr. Claire

I am at my wit’s end!  Bedtime.  3.5 year olds.  Shared room.  Need I say more?  Things have gotten hairy in our home over the past week.  It may be a phase, their age, I’m not sure, but my twins have been having a very hard time going to sleep.  Our routine hasn’t changed: brush teeth, jammies on, read stories, hugs/kisses, in bed, lights off.  Before this phase they’d sometimes sing quietly to themselves or giggle with each other a little but they’d quickly fall asleep.  Now they want to party: yelling, jumping, running, laughing, and  basically justbounce off the walls!  I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what to do or what is even an appropriate consequence for this type of behavior.  Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.

Signed,  Tired of the mayhem Mom

Dear Tired Mom,

You are not alone! I have heard from two other parents in the last week about this very problem. 

3.5 is the beginning of a HUGE developmental stage that has to do with having more awareness of one’s autonomy, and therefore, one who can act (out!)  This spurs all kinds of creative and critical thinking, which of course as a parent we want funneled to an environment other than bedtime.  Partying at night time (because I CAN) becomes quite a spectacular draw.  Also, around 3 children become more aware of dreams which, as we adults know, can be unsettling at times.  A concrete thinking 3.5 year might develop the idea that if you avoid sleep you avoid the fears associated with nighttime (check out the books There’s a Nightmare in My Closet or There’s an Alligator Under My Bed by Mercer Mayer). So the other two moms I spoke with came up with their own solutions which worked very well for their families.  I will pass them on to you and you can decide if either resonates with you.  Mom #1, developed a reward system, which was basically if you follow the rules about bedtime you get a star, after 5 stars in a row you get something special (you decide together what this might be).  Mom#2 introduced her children to the Native American tradition of a dream catcher and she and her children made a dream catcher to catch and symbolize the child’s fears.  I tend to lean towards anything that helps children learn how to symbolize as this is by far what helps children make the emotional developmental leaps required of them over the next few years.  Hope that helps!   Give whatever you decide to do a few weeks to really get laid down in their nervous system.  
 

Dear Dr. Claire,

My question is about disciplining toddlers - when to begin and how to do it?
My 18 month old twins continually throw their food and plates on the floor during meals and get into things after I tell them no several times. Is it appropriate at this age to do a time out? What can you do and how do you stay sane – I find that I lose my temper and have to take a time out myself for fear of screaming at them - this is a really frustrating time for me – two toddlers who have their own agendas and who are climbing and getting into EVERYTHING is quite challenging. HELP!

Dear Challenged:
You are in the thick of your children moving through a very important developmental stage, they are leaving behind their babyhood and entering a phase of rapid motor, verbal, and cognitive growth—Toddlerhood. Unfortunately their wonder with their ever-expanding world and exploration of it can display itself in ways that we adults find inappropriate, uncivil, and sometimes downright dangerous. That said, my position on discipline at this age is that if we point our children in the right direction and remind them 10,000 times at least, they will lay down the pathways they need in their brains to know what behaviors are appropriate without being punished for their curiosity. I recommend that time outs be reserved for those times when they or we need to chill out, use this as a time to calm down when tempers flair up, with you by their side of course. Luckily this wild time of exploration settles down and the thrill of throwing food and getting into everything that isn’t tied down passes. So what can you do to keep your sanity and try to control the chaos?
Keep their world small right now. Cordon off rooms of the house where you haven’t done serious childproofing and kept them off limits. Remove everything that is at their level of grabbing or opening. Keep a drawer in the kitchen that has stuff that they can play with such as pots and pans, spatulas, measuring cups, spoons or colorful plastic cups and plates. Put childproof locks on everything else. If they don’t have a plate on their high chair they can’t throw it. Consider serving very small amounts of finger food or limiting how long the plates stay on the tray. Remember they think this is a really fun game, so remind them what you expect and then lower your expectations. Saying no over and over and then redirecting to something that is ok to explore is part of this stage and more importantly, is how they learn. It is a continuous process. Keep reminding them of the rules, and remember, you are running a marathon, not a sprint.

This is such a challenging and frustrating time for us mothers, and if you are the least bit tired (and who isn’t with twins) of course you are going to be quick to lose your temper too. Getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and having a little time to yourself will help you maintain your sense of well-being/. However, if you are feeling that your responses feel out of control or disproportionate to the situation, or you want to strengthen your coping skills, seeking professional help or consultation is always a good idea.

Dear Dr. Claire: 

I have a question about my three years old boys.  Recently my husband decided to take them through a car wash, thinking they would find it fun.  Exactly the opposite happened - the boys were freaked out, trapped in their car seats, and hysterical. When they came home afterwards, they ran to me and told me how scared they were, when they went down for their nap they told me how scared they were, when they woke up from their nap they told me how scared they were, when they went to bed that night they told me how scared they were, and so it continued the next day, and the next. It’s been weeks, and they are still saying how they don’t want any “spinners” - spinners being the washers in the car wash.  I’ve said gently and repeatedly “No spinners here” and “Spinners all gone” but unfortunately the carwash is right at the freeway intersection and so they see it almost daily.  Every time they pass by the carwash, it sets off another chorus of “No spinners! No spinners!”  What is even worse, every time they hear a loud noise,(including a noise on the TV) they think that the spinners are coming, and they start to cry. They’ve woken up in the night crying because outside noises have sounded like spinners.  My little angels have their own version of post traumatic stress disorder, and I’m not sure how to help them.  Signed, Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

There are few things worse than watching our own children try to work through a trauma-like experience.  It serves as a reminder of how young and vulnerable they are, and how challenging it can be for their young minds to make sense of a very frightening experience.  The cognitive/emotional world of a three and four year old is just beginning to grasp the very vast and changeable environment around him or her.  One minute you are in the safety of your carseat and the next you are completely terrified. The first thing I want to say is that you are doing a great job of helping them digest their experience (the primary goal of working through frightening experiences).  The fact that they can name how scary it was for them shows how much groundwork you have laid in terms of their emotional development.  Secondly, I want you know that you are not alone in the carwash freak out.  There will be many parents out there nodding their head and saying the same thing happened to my twins.  It reminds me of my children being terrified after going on the Roger Rabbit ride at Disneyland. (These things should be fear-rated!) It is hard to predict what is going to send them over the edge.  Some children do have an easier time working through terrifying experiences, which has much to do with how their brains are wired.  So to answer your question, I would keep doing what you are doing and emphasize how mommy and daddy are here to keep them safe.  I would also start a game with them about how we can fight the spinners, sort of like action figures do.  If they are into superheroes this is great opportunity to help them take on the role of the hero. You can also prepare them ahead, telling them you are going to drive past the spinners, but not go see them, when you know you are going to.  You could also tell a story about how the scary spinners came and daddy drove them away.  The idea is to desensitize them to the spinners with a little inoculation. Just like our immune systems fight off disease.  This will help empower them and learn they can conquor their emotional fears too.  Good luck, Claire

Dear Dr. Claire

My twins are almost 18-months old, and they are amazing. Still, there are developmental or temperamental stages that are sometimes challenging.  Our daughter is much more likely to steal a toy from, or refuse to share a toy with her brother.  It doesn’t so much bother her brother, but it does concern me!  At this age, what are appropriate ways to handle this situation?  

Also, my daughter was relatively late to start walking (16-17 months), and now, at 17.5 months, she would prefer to be carried than to walk.  This is especially true when we are going up steps, and sometimes true in a new environment, or near bedtime.  

Her brother can walk up the stairs while holding on to the railing, and she is a very fast and safe stair crawler.  She is normally a very independent little person, but she does love to be “up”! While I love holding her, it’s tough with twins to hold one too much (or to hold both!), and I love seeing her walk on those little legs! I would appreciate any suggestions to help get her standing (well, walking) on her own to feet.

Signed, Challenged Mom

Dear Challenged Mom,

These are two great questions! Let’s start with toy grabbing.  Your toddlers are just starting to learn about the world around them and you are learning they have practically no impulse control.  Their executive functioning, the part of our brains that learns to think about actions, has little say in the matter when the lizard brain wants something, and wants it now!  This is completely age appropriate.  The concept of sharing is too abstract for the 18 month old brain.  You can introduce the idea of turn taking, but that will also take time.  I figure we repeat things at least 1000, sometimes 10,000 times before it really gets laid down in a toddlers developing brain.  The fact that your daughter has a new mobility makes her even more likely to want to explore her world and follow her heart’s desire (that is, what her brother has!).  On a practical level, if your son doesn’t protest, I’d find something else for him to do, or else redirect your daughter. 

As for the walking situation, it is always important to remember that children return again and again to the safety of home base (you!) when they are tired, uncertain, or just need comfort.  This is also completely developmentally appropriate.  When she is ready she will take off.  While one can never hold a child too much,  your children are moving into the height of separation anxiety (18-30 months) when they both will want “up” at the same time.  I still have flashbacks to holding one child who was wailing with the other glommed onto my leg screaming for up.  I spent many an afternoon sitting on the floor with one on each leg and an arm around them. Lucky for us, this stage passes too. 

Dear Dr. Claire

My almost 4 year-old son is down-right rude to anyone new to him.  If someone he doesn’t know says hello to him, he will grunt loudly and often shout “I don’t like that kid” at them.  For months I tried talking to him about his feelings and explained that it is OK to feel shy around new people.  I let him know that while it would be best to say a quick hello or wave, he can simply stay quiet if he’s feeling too overwhelmed.  We have also tried practicing how we will say a very quick hello or a wave in those situations.  Unfortunately it hasn’t helped and it has been getting worse.

Now I’m trying a new method of letting him know immediately that it is rude behavior and it is not acceptable - then I ask him to apologize for being rude.  Unfortunately this approach is not showing any signs of working so far either.  This is getting to be a big problem and I fear that I am making it worse by focusing on it (probably in the wrong way).  He also does this same thing to people he does know but either hasn’t seen in a few days or simply doesn’t want to see at any particular moment - grandparents are often on the receiving end of the rudeness.  Help! 

Hoping my son isn’t really a rude person, Embarrassed and Frustrated

Dear Embarrassed and Frustrated,

I want to commend you for incorporating learning social skills into all the important things you are teaching your children at this young age!  It is never too young to start and learning them is like riding a bicycle, once you’ve got it, you never forget!  But I agree with you that expecting he can follow through on it in times of stress is probably making it worse. 

I find it helpful to focus on the meaning of what he is doing, rather than what he isn’t when trying to understand a child’s behavior.  Then we can determine how to help him move up the emotional developmental ladder.  Let’s start by remembering that he is barely four years old, the age when the world all of the sudden becomes a lot bigger and more complex.  He is tuning into the nuances of his surrounding and his brain is working overtime trying to process it all and figure out how it works together.  Rudeness is a little higher on the cognitive chain and requires some forethought.  You are on the right track, I bet saying “I don’t like that kid” is his way of telling you he is feeling anxious or shy or overwhelmed or even that person is standing too close to me and it makes me feel nervous.  It’s actually very adaptive, you got to give him credit for that, another child might cry or hit!  Like many of us, he regresses when under stress.  

To help him get more regulated in new social situations, I would recommend talking to him ahead of time about what is going to happen, for example: “We are going to the park with the big slide today after we have breakfast.  There will be some children there we probably don’t know yet, so let’s practice what to say, but if you get scared and don’t want to, that’s ok too. I’ll be right there so you don’t feel scared/worried.”  Then when you get to the park say that same thing again, and ask him if he wants you to sit with him a while until he feels ok.  You can help him describe the feelings he is having so that he can begin to notice how he feels.  I would not expect his behavior to change quickly, but rather with your support, something that will mature over time.  If you feel he is having difficulty interacting with others more than just warming up, I would recommend further consultation.  Good luck! 

Dear Dr. Claire

My 3.5 year old ’spirited’ twin has started showing her fists to me when she is mad, usually during the beginning of a situation calling for a timeout (such as fighting over a toy with her sister).  The timeout is not because she was fighting, but because she would not listen to me and stop the behavior.  I try to be consistent with the time out - she needs to learn to listen and obey mommy.  She does tend to get frustrated when she is excited.  Is it acceptable to allow her to make this display as an outlet for her anger?

Signed, Mom to Boxer  

Dear Mom to Boxer,

First of all, let me say that 3-1/2 has got to be about the worst age there is for a mom.

It is all about separation from mommy, budding autonomy, and meltdowns, which, when the dust settles, brings about growing sense of self.  It is very challenging for the little ones, and can be hellish for us. One parenting book I’ve seen actually recommends that mothers get extra childcare when their children are between 3-1/2 and 4!

As far as the behavior, shaking her fists is a step up the emotional developmental ladder from biting, hitting and tantrums. Our emotions, including happiness and anger, start out as bodily sensations looking for a discharge.  It is all happening in the nervous system at this point. The brain automatically looks for looks for a way to discharge the energy and there is little, if any, conscious awareness of it.  Some people stay at this stage or regress under stressful situations (know anybody that slams the door or yells when they get mad?!?).  The next step is to make the feeling conscious, which is why we are always educating our children about naming their feelings.  But more importantly we want them to begin to create a symbolic world through pretend play so that mental symbols can replace actions.  These two steps are a HUGE leap.  The goal of a symbolic world is to elevate all feelings and impulses to the level of ideas and express them through words and play instead of acting out behavior.  Ultimately emotional maturity occurs when we can think and talk about our feelings versus acting them out.  This process develops over an extended period of time. 

I would interpret the fist shaking as a sign that she is getting close to losing it and a signal that she needs your help to calm down.  Your best bet is to counter-balance the child’s emotions with a calm and soothing manner so that she can return to homeostasis.  After she has been calm for a while, respectfully inquire about what her feelings were and what she was thinking, to the degree that she is capable of collaborating.  Then help her anticipate and rehearse what would be a good way to respond next time.  I would expect the actions to continue for some time until she is better able to regulate herself. I believe that we want to encourage our children to move up this developmental level by helping them learn both through play and words how to respond to the world around them.