Toddler Challenges
Dear Dr. Claire
My twins are almost 18-months old, and they are amazing. Still, there are developmental or temperamental stages that are sometimes challenging. Our daughter is much more likely to steal a toy from, or refuse to share a toy with her brother. It doesn’t so much bother her brother, but it does concern me! At this age, what are appropriate ways to handle this situation?
Also, my daughter was relatively late to start walking (16-17 months), and now, at 17.5 months, she would prefer to be carried than to walk. This is especially true when we are going up steps, and sometimes true in a new environment, or near bedtime.
Her brother can walk up the stairs while holding on to the railing, and she is a very fast and safe stair crawler. She is normally a very independent little person, but she does love to be “up”! While I love holding her, it’s tough with twins to hold one too much (or to hold both!), and I love seeing her walk on those little legs! I would appreciate any suggestions to help get her standing (well, walking) on her own to feet.
Signed, Challenged Mom
Dear Challenged Mom,
These are two great questions! Let’s start with toy grabbing. Your toddlers are just starting to learn about the world around them and you are learning they have practically no impulse control. Their executive functioning, the part of our brains that learns to think about actions, has little say in the matter when the lizard brain wants something, and wants it now! This is completely age appropriate. The concept of sharing is too abstract for the 18 month old brain. You can introduce the idea of turn taking, but that will also take time. I figure we repeat things at least 1000, sometimes 10,000 times before it really gets laid down in a toddlers developing brain. The fact that your daughter has a new mobility makes her even more likely to want to explore her world and follow her heart’s desire (that is, what her brother has!). On a practical level, if your son doesn’t protest, I’d find something else for him to do, or else redirect your daughter.
As for the walking situation, it is always important to remember that children return again and again to the safety of home base (you!) when they are tired, uncertain, or just need comfort. This is also completely developmentally appropriate. When she is ready she will take off. While one can never hold a child too much, your children are moving into the height of separation anxiety (18-30 months) when they both will want “up” at the same time. I still have flashbacks to holding one child who was wailing with the other glommed onto my leg screaming for up. I spent many an afternoon sitting on the floor with one on each leg and an arm around them. Lucky for us, this stage passes too.