4 Year Old Behavior
Saturday, April 4th, 2009Dear Dr. Claire
My almost 4 year-old son is down-right rude to anyone new to him. If someone he doesn’t know says hello to him, he will grunt loudly and often shout “I don’t like that kid” at them. For months I tried talking to him about his feelings and explained that it is OK to feel shy around new people. I let him know that while it would be best to say a quick hello or wave, he can simply stay quiet if he’s feeling too overwhelmed. We have also tried practicing how we will say a very quick hello or a wave in those situations. Unfortunately it hasn’t helped and it has been getting worse.
Now I’m trying a new method of letting him know immediately that it is rude behavior and it is not acceptable - then I ask him to apologize for being rude. Unfortunately this approach is not showing any signs of working so far either. This is getting to be a big problem and I fear that I am making it worse by focusing on it (probably in the wrong way). He also does this same thing to people he does know but either hasn’t seen in a few days or simply doesn’t want to see at any particular moment - grandparents are often on the receiving end of the rudeness. Help!
Hoping my son isn’t really a rude person, Embarrassed and Frustrated
Dear Embarrassed and Frustrated,
I want to commend you for incorporating learning social skills into all the important things you are teaching your children at this young age! It is never too young to start and learning them is like riding a bicycle, once you’ve got it, you never forget! But I agree with you that expecting he can follow through on it in times of stress is probably making it worse.
I find it helpful to focus on the meaning of what he is doing, rather than what he isn’t when trying to understand a child’s behavior. Then we can determine how to help him move up the emotional developmental ladder. Let’s start by remembering that he is barely four years old, the age when the world all of the sudden becomes a lot bigger and more complex. He is tuning into the nuances of his surrounding and his brain is working overtime trying to process it all and figure out how it works together. Rudeness is a little higher on the cognitive chain and requires some forethought. You are on the right track, I bet saying “I don’t like that kid” is his way of telling you he is feeling anxious or shy or overwhelmed or even that person is standing too close to me and it makes me feel nervous. It’s actually very adaptive, you got to give him credit for that, another child might cry or hit! Like many of us, he regresses when under stress.
To help him get more regulated in new social situations, I would recommend talking to him ahead of time about what is going to happen, for example: “We are going to the park with the big slide today after we have breakfast. There will be some children there we probably don’t know yet, so let’s practice what to say, but if you get scared and don’t want to, that’s ok too. I’ll be right there so you don’t feel scared/worried.” Then when you get to the park say that same thing again, and ask him if he wants you to sit with him a while until he feels ok. You can help him describe the feelings he is having so that he can begin to notice how he feels. I would not expect his behavior to change quickly, but rather with your support, something that will mature over time. If you feel he is having difficulty interacting with others more than just warming up, I would recommend further consultation. Good luck!