3.5 Year Old Boxer
Dear Dr. Claire
My 3.5 year old ’spirited’ twin has started showing her fists to me when she is mad, usually during the beginning of a situation calling for a timeout (such as fighting over a toy with her sister). The timeout is not because she was fighting, but because she would not listen to me and stop the behavior. I try to be consistent with the time out - she needs to learn to listen and obey mommy. She does tend to get frustrated when she is excited. Is it acceptable to allow her to make this display as an outlet for her anger?
Signed, Mom to Boxer
Dear Mom to Boxer,
First of all, let me say that 3-1/2 has got to be about the worst age there is for a mom.
It is all about separation from mommy, budding autonomy, and meltdowns, which, when the dust settles, brings about growing sense of self. It is very challenging for the little ones, and can be hellish for us. One parenting book I’ve seen actually recommends that mothers get extra childcare when their children are between 3-1/2 and 4!
As far as the behavior, shaking her fists is a step up the emotional developmental ladder from biting, hitting and tantrums. Our emotions, including happiness and anger, start out as bodily sensations looking for a discharge. It is all happening in the nervous system at this point. The brain automatically looks for looks for a way to discharge the energy and there is little, if any, conscious awareness of it. Some people stay at this stage or regress under stressful situations (know anybody that slams the door or yells when they get mad?!?). The next step is to make the feeling conscious, which is why we are always educating our children about naming their feelings. But more importantly we want them to begin to create a symbolic world through pretend play so that mental symbols can replace actions. These two steps are a HUGE leap. The goal of a symbolic world is to elevate all feelings and impulses to the level of ideas and express them through words and play instead of acting out behavior. Ultimately emotional maturity occurs when we can think and talk about our feelings versus acting them out. This process develops over an extended period of time.
I would interpret the fist shaking as a sign that she is getting close to losing it and a signal that she needs your help to calm down. Your best bet is to counter-balance the child’s emotions with a calm and soothing manner so that she can return to homeostasis. After she has been calm for a while, respectfully inquire about what her feelings were and what she was thinking, to the degree that she is capable of collaborating. Then help her anticipate and rehearse what would be a good way to respond next time. I would expect the actions to continue for some time until she is better able to regulate herself. I believe that we want to encourage our children to move up this developmental level by helping them learn both through play and words how to respond to the world around them.