Hair-Pulling Toddler
Wednesday, February 4th, 2009Dear Dr. Claire
I have a 4 yr old and 21 month old b/g twins. My 21 month old boy has recently started pinching, hitting, and pulling hair when frustrated or mad.
He literally is pulling several handfuls of hair out of his twin sister’s head on a daily basis. I am trying the “gentle hands” response, and “no, no” and removing him from the situation, but he just gets a big smile and giggles, like he thinks it is a big game and has no idea what he is doing is wrong. What should I be doing? I am worried that his twin sister will start learning the same behavior, and my 4 year old is losing his patience with it. I’m at a loss. Signed, Puzzled
Dear Puzzled,
You son is learning about impulse control, self-regulation and self-soothing. All are important steps in the emotional and cognitive development of our children. This process involves switching from the reptilian brain where the impulse originates to the executive functioning where we can think about actions. Right now he has zippo in the executive functioning, so you are providing that function by saying No hitting, No, Biting Hurts, and then redirecting him. You may have to do this 1000 times before the pattern gets laid down in his brain. The other thing to thing about is his level of frustration. He may have a low tolerance for frustration and be quick to anger. With luck your daughter may have a greater tolerance for it and be less likely to pinch/hit/bite. If your guy is easily frustrated, besides doing what you are doing, you can remove him when he is likely to get frustrated, for example when he is tired, hungry, at the end of the day, after a lot of stimulation, or put a time limit on how long he plays with his siblings. As for the smile and giggles, he is also becoming aware of the effect he can have on his world, and that he can make things happen that get your attention. This is very exciting for a two year old. I’d just make sure that he is getting plenty of hugs and accolades for the things he is doing right, and put less attention on the negative behaviors.